Ready for the Ride of Your Life?


Are you tired of all that wasted time sitting behind the wheel of your car in bumper-to-bumper traffic? Do you long to spend those hours reading the next chapter of that book on your night-stand? Or maybe you have some extra studying to do for Friday’s exam.

Tired of getting lost on your way to an unfamiliar destination. Have you had it up to here with the wife nagging you to pulling over to ask for directions, because you both know you’re lost, but you won’t admit it?

Let’s face it folks: Driving your car from point A to point B, whether you’re stuck in traffic or rolling along empty highways and byways, is such a chore. Isn’t it? Wouldn’t your day-to-day routine be so much more bearable, enjoyable even, if someone else did the driving and navigating for you? Someone else to maneuver through traffic,while you sit back and relax for a change. Imagine never taking the wrong exit ever again. Never being late to another appointment or important meeting. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

If you’re saying to yourself, of course that would be great. But I don’t have a private chauffeur. So what’s the use of imagining?

Well, because the technicians and engineers at Alphabet Inc have been imagining, and turning that imagining into reality, I’m thrilled to present your very own all-in-one chauffeur and vehicle. Waymo! Yes! Waymo is a completely driver-less vehicle.

Our sensors and software scan constantly for objects around the vehicle—pedestrians, cyclists, vehicles, road work, obstructions—and continuously read traffic controls, from traffic light color and railroad crossing gates to temporary stop signs. Our vehicles can see up to three football fields away in every direction. And whether Alphabet’s engineers admit it or not, every move you make and every word you speak, while you’re enjoying your stress-free Waymo trip, will be recorded, unbeknownst to you.

So use that handy dandy Waymo app to book your first truly driver-less trip. Whether it’s to your local grocer, or to the other side of town. Waymo guarantees to give you the ride of your life. Bring the entire family. Hop on in. As soon as Waymo senses everyone is safely inside, those doors lock automatically. Yes, that’s right! No more worrying about the kids in the back-seat unlocking the doors to jump out for a quick get away.

And with another forward reaching technology from Google/Alphabet, soon to be integrated into each and every Waymo. Yes folks, I’m talking about that all-new social credit score technology, Dragonfly, that Beijing already enjoys. Waymo will in the very near future, be intelligent enough to determine, by accessing your social credit score, whether to drive you and your family directly to the nearest Fema installation, if someone in your group hasn’t been playing nicely in Alphabet’s dystopian universe and has unfortunately received an unacceptable social credit score and needs a little re-education, or whether to actually drive you and your loved ones to grandma’s for Sunday afternoon supper.

Thank you, Eric Schmidt, for bringing the human race, one step closer to total locked-down, controlled serfdom. Bless you, sir.



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