Is Trump Using the Right Plunger?

 

Hello everyone. Thanks for joining me. My mail-bag has been over-flowing with viewer comments and questions. Before we begin, allow me to thank everyone for their kind comments and encouragement.

After going through the viewer mail, I’ve found many folks requesting we do a show on stubborn clogs. No, not these silly. These. Aren’t they the most frustrating issue? Isn’t it always at the most inconvenient times, for example when you’re expecting your in-laws over for dinner, that you find little Johnny sitting in the center of your powder-room, in 3 inches of water next to an over-flowing commode because today, of all days was the day to send that toy submarine he got for Christmas on its first mission, by way of the sewer system? Kids, you gotta love ’em.

Gladys in Washington, D.C., writes:

“My kitchen sink just won’t drain properly. I’ve tried everything including purchasing the all-new-handy-dandy, William Barr all-purpose plunger. The salesman at my local hardware store assured me there wasn’t a drain the William Barr couldn’t unstop. That it was swamp certified. Well, he was wrong. The William Barr failed miserably. Even seemed to make things worse, if that’s possible.

I finally called in a professional plumber. He took one look, shook his head, and said my stopped-up sink was the swampiest swamp he’d ever come across, adding it had all the signs of decades’ long neglect and he simply refused to even attempt to drain it!

Can you imagine?

Do you have any advice? I’m at my wits end and up to my elbows in the Washington D.C. swamp.

Gladys”

 

Gladys, don’t fret. If you follow these simple steps, I guarantee you’ll drain that D.C. swamp in no time. Now, remember what I always say:

From achieving the tenderest crepes and in your particular case, draining that D.C. swamp, the right tools make all the difference in the world.

Your first step should be taking that William Barr all-purpose, what was it you said the hardware store salesman called it? A Swamp certified plunger? Take it back and demand a full refund. It doesn’t matter that it’s been used. You see, last Friday, the manufacturer was ordered by a consumer protection advocacy group to re-call each and every William Barr swamp certified plunger. That’s right! You’re entitled to a full refund.

After receiving multiple complaints from consumers, the advocacy group researched the manufacturer. Their findings were shocking. The William Barr is the same model that was used to facilitate the clogging of drains throughout Washington, D.C. as far back as 1972. Documents uncovered by the consumer advocacy group, show the William Barr plunger was directly connected to Oliver North, Manuel Noriega and joined Bush senior’s White House legal team, of swamp creators in the early 1990’s. There are many more documents that support the plunger you purchased was key in creating your swamp in the first place.

It appears many D.C. residents have owned that model through the years and point to the William Barr plunger being one of the main reasons Washington, D.C. is presently so swampy. The manufacturer simply repackaged a failed product.

So get your money back and use it to purchase another plunger. And remember to check the label on the back of the box. If you see the letters S.E.S., or Senior Executive Service printed anywhere on the label or the packaging, don’t waste your hard-earned money. S.E.S., or Senior Executive Service, means the plunger, like the William Barr, will only further clog that drain.

Well, that’s all I have for today. Join me next week, when I’ll share my secret recipe for the creamiest lemon sorbet ever. Promise.

 

 

Proud Member of AIM Starship Fleet

 

‘Your Time is Up’

 

The South African parliament approved a motion that would set up an ad-hoc committee to recommend procedures on how land expropriation without compensation would work. Earlier this year, the parliament approved constitutional changes that would give the government power to take land from white farmers without paying for it.

 

 

Proud Member of AIM Starship Fleet

Clinton CFO Turns Informant

 

The reckoning for the Clintons we’ve dreamed of finally approaches with whistle-blowing and documents about the slush fund known as the Bill, Hillary, and Chelsea Clinton Foundation.

The ability of the Clintons to dodge charges of criminality will be hamstrung by the latest evidence revealed to be in the hands of prosecutors. 

 

Proud Member of AIM Starship Fleet

Ready for the Ride of Your Life?

 

Are you tired of all that wasted time sitting behind the wheel of your car in bumper-to-bumper traffic? Do you long to spend those hours reading the next chapter of that book on your night-stand? Or maybe you have some extra studying to do for Friday’s exam.

Tired of getting lost on your way to an unfamiliar destination. Have you had it up to here with the wife nagging you to pulling over to ask for directions, because you both know you’re lost, but you won’t admit it?

Let’s face it folks: Driving your car from point A to point B, whether you’re stuck in traffic or rolling along empty highways and byways, is such a chore. Isn’t it? Wouldn’t your day-to-day routine be so much more bearable, enjoyable even, if someone else did the driving and navigating for you? Someone else to maneuver through traffic,while you sit back and relax for a change. Imagine never taking the wrong exit ever again. Never being late to another appointment or important meeting. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

If you’re saying to yourself, of course that would be great. But I don’t have a private chauffeur. So what’s the use of imagining?

Well, because the technicians and engineers at Alphabet Inc have been imagining, and turning that imagining into reality, I’m thrilled to present your very own all-in-one chauffeur and vehicle. Waymo! Yes! Waymo is a completely driver-less vehicle.

Our sensors and software scan constantly for objects around the vehicle—pedestrians, cyclists, vehicles, road work, obstructions—and continuously read traffic controls, from traffic light color and railroad crossing gates to temporary stop signs. Our vehicles can see up to three football fields away in every direction. And whether Alphabet’s engineers admit it or not, every move you make and every word you speak, while you’re enjoying your stress-free Waymo trip, will be recorded, unbeknownst to you.

So use that handy dandy Waymo app to book your first truly driver-less trip. Whether it’s to your local grocer, or to the other side of town. Waymo guarantees to give you the ride of your life. Bring the entire family. Hop on in. As soon as Waymo senses everyone is safely inside, those doors lock automatically. Yes, that’s right! No more worrying about the kids in the back-seat unlocking the doors to jump out for a quick get away.

And with another forward reaching technology from Google/Alphabet, soon to be integrated into each and every Waymo. Yes folks, I’m talking about that all-new social credit score technology, Dragonfly, that Beijing already enjoys. Waymo will in the very near future, be intelligent enough to determine, by accessing your social credit score, whether to drive you and your family directly to the nearest Fema installation, if someone in your group hasn’t been playing nicely in Alphabet’s dystopian universe and has unfortunately received an unacceptable social credit score and needs a little re-education, or whether to actually drive you and your loved ones to grandma’s for Sunday afternoon supper.

Thank you, Eric Schmidt, for bringing the human race, one step closer to total locked-down, controlled serfdom. Bless you, sir.

 

 

Proud Member of AIM Starship Fleet

The Comey Circus

Fired FBI Director James Comey arrived on Capitol Hill Friday for a closed-door, transcribed interview with House Republicans.

GOP lawmakers recently discovered an email chain dated early October of 2016 involving James Comey which is the most comprehensive evidence to date, of FISA abuses. Lawmakers wanted to grill Comey about this classified document in today’s interview.

 

 

Proud Member of AIM Starship Fleet

Bolton Knew!

 

During an interview with NPR’s Morning Edition, National Security Advisor John Bolton revealed that he knew in advance that Canadian police were preparing to arrest Huawei CFO Wanzhou Meng, meaning that Bolton knew that Meng was being taken into custody when he sat down alongside President Trump for Saturday’s dinner trade-talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping.

 

 

Proud Member of AIM Starship Fleet