About That Swamp

 

Hello everyone. Thanks for joining me.

This evening, I’d like to share a little story with you. It’s a happy tale about a friendship that spans decades. It’s sure to make everyone feel warm and fuzzy inside. Especially if you’re partial to the Washington, D.C. swamp. Are there any swamp creatures in my audience? I know you’re out there. Don’t be shy. There’s no point in pretending you’re human. Your stench gives you away. Doesn’t it folks?

Settle in and get comfy everyone. The story’s about to begin.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Lindsey Graham. Mr. Graham was a politician in Washington, D.C. He’d been there for years and years. Kinda like the corns on Grandpa’s feet. Painful. But after struggling with them for such a long time, Grandpa got used to them and limped a little when they flared-up.

Where was I? Right. Lindsey Graham.

At the time this story takes place, he was the incoming Senate Judiciary Chairman.

Now, the President of the United States at the time this story takes place, was President Donald Trump. President Trump, had nothing but swamp creatures and swamp rats doing whatever they could do to give him a difficult time. It didn’t matter what President Trump did or said. There was always something slithering around, fresh out of the D.C. swamp, ready to obstruct his efforts. Obstructionists. That’s what they’re called.

Now, Trump was just about rid of a particularly pesky rat. One Rat Rosenstein, to be exact. Rosenstein had been working hand-in-glove with the Mueller-monster. Yes, there really is such a beast. This Mueller-monster was a thorn in the President’s side, since before he took office.

The attorney general of the United States, a traitorous swamp creature from way back, Jeff Sessions was his name, had recused himself from something called the Russia collusion investigation and appointed Rat Rosenstein to take his place. Rosenstein appointed the Mueller-monster to investigate the President and everyone remotely associated with him. For nearly two years, at the time this story takes place, the President had been plagued by the shady doings and dealings of the D.C. swamp. 

You can imagine how relieved the President was when Jeff Sessions finally resigned. And then, a few months after Sessions resigned, Rat Rosenstein announced his resignation too. Happy days! Right?

Well, not so fast. 

It seems the man the President chose to take Jeff Sessions’ place was one William Barr. Most folks not familiar with swamp history thought the President had made a good choice.

Here’s where we get back to incoming Senate Judiciary Chairman, Lindsey Graham. 

Lindsey met with William Barr, the President’s nominee for attorney general of the United States. After his meeting with Barr, reporters were eager to ask Lindsey questions. You see, they too are part of the D.C. swamp. As a matter of fact, without the press, that’s the breed of swamp creature they belong to, the swamp just wouldn’t be able to get away with all their swampy shenanigans.

So the reporters were desperate to make sure William Barr wouldn’t impede the Mueller-monster’s investigation of the President and everyone associated with him if he were to be confirmed. You see, the attorney general of the United States, would have authority over the Mueller-monster, even to the point of calling an end to the awful investigation. 

Senator Graham told reporters William Barr and the Mueller-monster have been ‘best friends’ for 20 years and that Barr has a ‘high opinion of Mueller.’

I didn’t know that they worked together, that they were that close personally and that they worked together for years,” Graham said.

Lindsey Graham explained that the two are so close that their wives attend the same Bible study and the Mueller-monster attended two of Barr’s daughters’ weddings.

Isn’t that wonderful?!

Folks had warned President Trump not to select William Barr to be the next attorney general because he’s a swamp creature too. And after all, the whole point of this particular President, running for President, was to drain the D.C. swamp.

But how can he do that if the Mueller-monster’s best friend becomes the attorney general of the United States? He can’t! Doesn’t that make those of you that are swamp rats feel warm and fuzzy?

I knew it would.

Join me next time, when I’ll interview …. let’s keep that a secret.

Nothing like a little suspense. Right?

 

 

 

 

 

Is Trump Using the Right Plunger?

 

Hello everyone. Thanks for joining me. My mail-bag has been over-flowing with viewer comments and questions. Before we begin, allow me to thank everyone for their kind comments and encouragement.

After going through the viewer mail, I’ve found many folks requesting we do a show on stubborn clogs. No, not these silly. These. Aren’t they the most frustrating issue? Isn’t it always at the most inconvenient times, for example when you’re expecting your in-laws over for dinner, that you find little Johnny sitting in the center of your powder-room, in 3 inches of water next to an over-flowing commode because today, of all days was the day to send that toy submarine he got for Christmas on its first mission, by way of the sewer system? Kids, you gotta love ’em.

Gladys in Washington, D.C., writes:

“My kitchen sink just won’t drain properly. I’ve tried everything including purchasing the all-new-handy-dandy, William Barr all-purpose plunger. The salesman at my local hardware store assured me there wasn’t a drain the William Barr couldn’t unstop. That it was swamp certified. Well, he was wrong. The William Barr failed miserably. Even seemed to make things worse, if that’s possible.

I finally called in a professional plumber. He took one look, shook his head, and said my stopped-up sink was the swampiest swamp he’d ever come across, adding it had all the signs of decades’ long neglect and he simply refused to even attempt to drain it!

Can you imagine?

Do you have any advice? I’m at my wits end and up to my elbows in the Washington D.C. swamp.

Gladys”

 

Gladys, don’t fret. If you follow these simple steps, I guarantee you’ll drain that D.C. swamp in no time. Now, remember what I always say:

From achieving the tenderest crepes and in your particular case, draining that D.C. swamp, the right tools make all the difference in the world.

Your first step should be taking that William Barr all-purpose, what was it you said the hardware store salesman called it? A Swamp certified plunger? Take it back and demand a full refund. It doesn’t matter that it’s been used. You see, last Friday, the manufacturer was ordered by a consumer protection advocacy group to re-call each and every William Barr swamp certified plunger. That’s right! You’re entitled to a full refund.

After receiving multiple complaints from consumers, the advocacy group researched the manufacturer. Their findings were shocking. The William Barr is the same model that was used to facilitate the clogging of drains throughout Washington, D.C. as far back as 1972. Documents uncovered by the consumer advocacy group, show the William Barr plunger was directly connected to Oliver North, Manuel Noriega and joined Bush senior’s White House legal team, of swamp creators in the early 1990’s. There are many more documents that support the plunger you purchased was key in creating your swamp in the first place.

It appears many D.C. residents have owned that model through the years and point to the William Barr plunger being one of the main reasons Washington, D.C. is presently so swampy. The manufacturer simply repackaged a failed product.

So get your money back and use it to purchase another plunger. And remember to check the label on the back of the box. If you see the letters S.E.S., or Senior Executive Service printed anywhere on the label or the packaging, don’t waste your hard-earned money. S.E.S., or Senior Executive Service, means the plunger, like the William Barr, will only further clog that drain.

Well, that’s all I have for today. Join me next week, when I’ll share my secret recipe for the creamiest lemon sorbet ever. Promise.

 

 

 

The Swamp for Dummies

 

From 2001 to 2005, there was an ongoing investigation into the Clinton Foundation.

A Grand Jury had been empaneled. Governments from around the world had donated to the “Charity”. Yet from 2001 to 2003, none of those “Donations” to the Clinton Foundation were declared.